Dudas...

Uno de mis profesores de cálculo dijo una vez "Si el desarrollo les está saliendo muy largo, es que van por mal camino."

¿Y si tiene razón? ¿Y si las cosas que no se dan a la primera simplemente no se deben dar, y punto?

...Pero es que hay cosas que quiero, que necesito, y cuyo desarrollo es simplemente DEMASIADO LARGO.

¿Significa eso que voy por mal camino?

I wish...

...I had a real life
...I knew how to play the chelo
...I had a human teddy bear
...That people called me for something else than asking for stuff
...For people i could bother at will
...I HAD FRIENDS TO HANG OUT WITH
...That people i like liked me back
...Homework/chores did themselves
...I could spend the night out
...To attend out town activities without my parents
...I could go camping
...I had a lover
...I weren't bounded to daylight
...To see sunrise at the beach, and feel the sand under my feet
...I were in Venice
...I could take time back
...For a 10 seconds hug
...It was easier
...I could make a living out of writing
...I knew...
...I had a little more selfishness and vanity and were a little more fashionable
...For a call
...I had faith/I believed
...I were normal
...I UNDERSTOOD WHAT PEOPLE MEAN
...I could stop caring about those who don't care about me
...It didn't hurt
...Someone cared

I'm tired of disapointing people...

...He was the thirth man i ever kissed...

...How many women has he ever kissed before?

I want to take it back.

I behaved shamefully.

I don't want to be another number on his list.

I wish i could change what happened that day.

I don't want a fourth, but i can't stand to be alone...I must get someone to be lovely to.

I want a man i can hug for no reason, kiss for no reason, to carres his hair until i fall asleep myself, to lay my head on his chest and run my fingers onto...

I thought i had found that man in him. All he saw was a lustfull woman whose actions didn't match her words.

It should have been great...

I was so close to love him... So close!

And now my heart is broken, beyond compair...

He's on a date! A DATE! It's so horrible...

They'll have a date, probably a dinner, and they'll have fun.
He'll be surely so handsome... He needs so little to be handsome;
She'll surely be pettite and slim, with lustfull curves, dressed fashionably to the occation.

He'll be so nice and polite, they'll be all smiles.
He'll touch her wit the very same hands that touched me. He'll kiss her with the very same lips that kissed mine...


Why is it that those i've ever wanted have rarely wanted me back?


There is so much i wanted to give him.


To have him would have been the ultimate sign of hope... But happiness have never been a friend of mine...

I'm...Just...SO !@#$% CONFUSED!!!!

He's annoyed (?) about the circumstances we met on. But, hey!...Otherwise we'd never find out about the other's existence, would we had?
There's no way we'd have, since i depend on daylight in order to attend out-home activities, and considering we have no places in common...No, no way at all.
But why do I still consider him when he so obviously considers me unworthy of his time?!... Why?!
Am I just forcing the play? Should i just let him "be-be"? What would happen if i do?

Is he wanting me to do so, so he can start his old-fashioned flirting on me?

Is he wanting me to do so, so he can just "file me up"?

I refuse to be no more than just another mark on his bedpost!

Could it be more denigrant than that?!

...Oh! It could have been wonderful!

Maybe...

It's so unfair!

How is it possible that when i want to take off all the shyness, take all the ostracism away, i find someone who...I don't know...Is so old fashioned?

Maybe i should have said "No, wait..It's too soon", maybe i should have got a hold on the situation and selfishly used him up, 'cuz now it seems more than likely we'd never be in such a situation egain.

I know i can't push torwards it (world knows i'm the antitesis of sexy), and he doesn't seems to desire me anymore...

Maybe we should have sit on the bed and talked about it right there. I should have told him something like "I must tell you, i desire you, yet i have the impression that everything i do to you i'm doing it the wrong way. It makes me really nervous and i don't know how to go on...Would you help me out?"

Who knows? Maybe that would have avoided us a lot of misunderstandings and emotional bullshit.

I yearn for him...

I yearn for his kiss...
As tender and playful as mine was passionate.

His touch...
Such an expert hands... Make me wonder how many women have his fingers run onto in almost seven years... What an amazing learning curve he'd had!

His hair...
So pleasantly groomed and smooth. Makes me weak.
Terrible thing to look at him and stand how my fingertips burn wanting to dive in there!...Terrible thing, indeed.

Just one thing in his anatomy petrified me: His eyes.
So dragging and overwhelming they are!
It's like they make me look at them. And the instant i do, all my will goes down the toilet. I can't think... At all... The moment i look i'm his, body and soul.
And there's no salvation.
Little i can do to avoid it, except gathering the little will i may have left and look away. Defeated.

And I bet he's aware of his power over me... And he may even enjoy it!
Because he can read through me. Because when my will is gone i'm like an open book.

OH MY!... I HATE PSICOLOGY